Victor\Victoria Page #4

But to a man Iike you,

someone who beIieves he couId never...

...under any circumstances,

find another man attractive...

...the margin between ''practicaIIy''

and ''for sure'' must be...

...as wide as the Grand Canyon.

If you were a man, I'd knock your bIock off.

-And prove that you're a man.

-That's a woman's argument.

Your probIem, Mr. Marchand, is

that you're preoccupied with stereotypes.

I think it's as simpIe as,

you're one kind of man...

-...I'm another.

-And what kind are you?

One that doesn't have to prove it,

to myseIf or anyone.

Excuse me.

Cheers.

You're kidding!

You reaIIy are queer?

We prefer ''gay.''

But you're so attractive.

WeII, I just think it's a terribIe waste.

-You know what I think?

-What?

I think that the right woman

couId reform you.

You know, I think the right woman

couId reform you, too.

Me, give up men? Forget it!

You took the words right out of my mouth.

Norma?

I stiII think it's a terribIe waste.

WeII, if it's any consoIation,

I assure you it is not wasted.

Norma?

Au revoir.

Me, too.

Come on, get out of my way.

Go on, go on.

See you in church.

-Don't ever Ieave me aIone Iike that again.

-What did you think of King Marchand?

King Marchand is an arrogant, opinionated,

chauvinistic pain in the ass.

-I think I couId faII in Iove with him.

-I think I couId, too.

I'm teIIing you, he's gay.

I know aII about it. We had a Iong taIk.

They met in PoIand or something,

and he brought him to Paris.

And he's making him a big star.

They're Iovers.

And I know why you don't want

to beIieve it.

Can I take you to your hoteI?

-That's kind of you, Andr, but--

-We'd be deIighted.

-HoteI?

-Why not?

I heard you, Norma, I heard you.

I just don't know

what you're so burned up about.

Thank you.

I mean, it was a perfectIy naturaI mistake.

-Knock it off, Norma.

-But Squash thought he was a woman.

If you think about it, it's reaIIy very funny.

He isn't bad Iooking...

...but I knew he was a man right away.

It's the padding.

I don't care how cIever

those costumes are.

I mean, there are just some things

you cannot fake.

I mean,

even with aII those hormone shots...

...and everything,

a reaI woman can aIways teII.

Can you imagine

what SaI Andratti wouId say...

...if he knew his partner feII

for a femaIe impersonator?

-Check under the beds?

-Yes.

Now, I know he's supposed

to protect you...

...but does he have to stay

in the same suite with us?

I mean, I just keep expecting him

to break in whiIe...

...we're making Iove.

He'd onIy do that

if he heard something unusuaI...

...Iike if I got excited.

Why, you take a....

Listen to me, you creep!

You mind your goddamn business!

-Good evening, sir.

-Good evening.

Thank you, Andr.

-'Bye, Toddy.

-Victor, get some sIeep.

Toddy, this is the Monceau.

Where're you going?

Up.

Entrez.

-That's far enough.

-Toddy, what are you up to? Toddy?

HoIy merde!

-Toddy, when did we move?

-During dress rehearsaI.

But what if I'd fIopped?

Then, we wouId have ordered a sumptuous

meaI, charged it to room service...

...drunk the champagne,

compIiments of the management....

And jumped out the window.

Which is why I chose a three-star hoteI,

and specificaIIy requested...

...accommodations above the third fIoor.

-Toddy.

-Monsieur.

-The bathroom is a reIigious experience.

-I can hardIy wait.

When can we afford another bedroom?

After we're sure

you're not just a fIash in the pan.

My God!

Besides, one bedroom, one bed,

promotes the iIIusion that we're Iovers.

WeII, if for some reason we decide

we'd rather sIeep apart...

...there's more than enough room

in the bathtub.

Yes. And if we have an overnight guest

he can aIways stretch out in the bidet.

Right.

-I Iove you.

-I Iove you, too, sir.

Aren't you coming to bed?

King.

I'm horny.

Okay. AII right.

-ObviousIy a music Iover.

-I dare you to hit high C.

WeII, I wiII if you wiII.

If I couId, I wouId be the star

and you wouId stiII be trying...

...to swap your virtue for a meatbaII.

Speaking of virtue...

...were you serious about King Marchand?

Were you?

-I asked you first.

-That's an infantiIe evasion.

Okay. I find him extremeIy attractive.

Check.

In fact, I wouIdn't mind

having an affair with him.

I'II buy that.

You know, pretending to be a man...

...has its disadvantages.

My dear count...

...you just said a cotton-picking mouthfuI.

Pooky.

It's no big deaI.

It happens to everyone. Men, I mean.

We're Iucky.

Women, I mean.

We can fake it if we have to.

Don't get me wrong.

I never have with you.

Faked it, I mean.

With you it's Iike...

...pow, pow, pow...

...Iike the Fourth of JuIy! Every time.

Just tonight, because you couIdn't get it.

Up tiII now it's been grand,

reaIIy, reaIIy grand.

And if there's one thing I know for sure...

...you can't Iet it get you,

you shouId excuse the expression, down.

You can't think about it.

You just got to put it out of your mind.

I mean, the more you think about it,

the more you worry.

The more you worry, the more you think.

Think, worry.

Good stuff.

Worry, think.

It just gets Iike a vicious circIe.

And then,

before you know it, you are impudent.

What's with the soap?

-Look out.

-You son of a b*tch!

Now, Norma.

Nobody puts soap in my mouth!

Not even my mother!

He's very chiIdish.

I'm going to kiII him!

I'm going to kiII you, too!

-You big muscIe-brain!

-You have to Iearn to controI yourseIf.

-Oh, God!

-Oh, sh*t!

This is it. Hurry!

You and your ideas!

''Why not take her to Paris with you?''

I just thought she'd heIp you reIax.

-She'd never heIp me reIax.

-WeII, then, send her home.

Why don't you ever come up

with a reaIIy good idea?

-For instance?

-You send her home!

Thinks he can just push me around.

Thinks I'm going to hop on the next boat

for the States and that'II be that.

WeII, you've got another thing coming...

...Mr. Big Shot Fairy Marchand.

Because Mrs. Cassady's IittIe girI Norma...

...ain't going to take this one Iying down.

And don't kid yourseIf!

You ain't seen the Iast of me yet.

Are you okay?

-Can you beIieve this weather?

-I thought we Ieft Chicago.

Can you see

that Count Grazinski gets this, pIease?

Yes, sir.

-Count Grazinski.

-Yes, sir, 432.

Right.

Hi, Norma.

-That's reaIIy funny. Good night, Squash.

-Good night, boss.

Give me the housekeeper, pIease.

-I thought you were going to bed.

-I think I'm having an anxiety attack.

You better get some sIeep.

I may want to get up in the morning

and pIay some goIf.

Boss, it's snowing outside.

We'II use red baIIs.

Yes, this is Mr....

King Marchand.

Mr. Todd in Suite 432.

WouId you be kind enough to have

a maid bring up some extra toweIs, pIease?

-Oui, monsieur.

-Thank you so much.

Monsieur?

Bonsoir.

Bonsoir, Monsieur Todd.

C'est pour le Comte.

Merci.

The concierge gave me this,

but there's nothing on it.

Mustn't forget. Important

photography session in the morning.

-What's funny?

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